Waiting

We keep getting mail from our foster agency about the yearly paperwork renewal.  We haven’t gotten a single call from them since the discussion with the director.  Not that we want to foster anymore, but I don’t know that I want to close that door just yet.  While I know the decision Bear’s bmom will be making is incredibly tough and emotionally draining on her, it is on me too.  It’s hard for me to not think, this could be my potential child.  About finding out the gender and plaining things.  I know she is a smart cookie and doesn’t want to hurt us and drag us through her ups and downs and I appreciate that more than anyone could ever understand. I have always known my biggest hurdle is having no control and trusting in God’s timing.  Obviously that baby is my number one wish and dream, if she chooses adoption. BUT IF she doesn’t choose adoption I don’t know that I want to close our homestudy with the fostering agency.  I know the hubs isn’t interested in adopting older, but I kind of am.  I don’t know why this pulling me there and not the hubs.  Of course the child/ boy we would be looking at would have to be a perfect fit for our family.  I just keep thinking about Honey being on the website right now. About people passing on her adoption because of her age, disabilities, history, etc.  I don’t know what to do.  Should I let it expire? We have to make a decision soon. Like within weeks. All it would take is some paperwork (aren’t we all used to the paperwork by now). I don’t even want to talk to the hubs about it because he is so over fostering.  Not to mention, I doubt anyone from the agency would choose us for a waiting child.  I’m sure our county has our name red flagged since we chose Bear over Petunia.

I’m just having a hard time right now.  If you’ve been following my journey for a while you know I leave all the doors open. I explore everything because I don’t know what God’s plan is.  And the thought of closing a door is REALLY hard.  I’m already thinking about bmom parenting and us waiting for a match with the private agency and waiting years (possibly with many failed matches).   I am so grateful for my three and I know MANY families are praying for a family like ours.  I am not saying I’m not happy.  I’m just saying,  I know our family isn’t complete and I hate that I don’t know His plan.

Sorry for complaining, I know it’s annoying.  I know I need to trust in Him.  I know I will find the right path.

But dag, this is hard.

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