I’m infertile… and it’s ok

I’m an infertile.  I’m ok with it, not that I haven’t had my struggles.  But I don’t know what’s so embarrassing about it.

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I saw that it was National Infertility Awareness Week in this blog post.

So let’s talk.  I understand that being infertile can be a struggle.  Especially when there is nothing more than wanting to build your family.  I know not everyone feels called to adoption.  But I know for me, God made me infertile TO ADOPT. I’ve never struggled about not having a uterus and not having another bio baby.  I have struggled tremendously with not knowing when or how our next child would enter our family.  I have been jealous of strangers who get pregnant whenever they want a child or not. It’s that easy.  You want a baby… BAM! There’s your baby.  You, hopefully, have 9 easy months of patience while you wait for your baby to cook and enter the world.

People don’t understand why I am thinking about adding to our family now.  But the infertiles know.  We know that it’s not that easy for us.  For us, we have to look into every avenue multiple times.  Each beginning, reevaluating if that’s the path you should continue down.  But there’s no clear answer.  In our case, international adoption was a closed door. It took us MANY heartbreaks before moving on from fostering.  It took us two failed adoptions before we had Bear.  Who knows what process we will have to go through for baby #4.  We could wait 1 week, we could wait 2+ years.  Who knows how many struggles we will  go through before a baby/ child is in our arms.   We aren’t gauranteed a match through domestic private adoption.  Maybe our next baby will come from fostercare (Our Lord no.  Please).  Maybe our baby will be brought to us through international adoption.  Maybe this time it will work out.  These are the many worries Fertiles don’t have to worry about.  Of course all of us God loving folks know that He plans the path.  Every day we spend waiting, crying, is part of His plan.  But sometimes it doesn’t make it easier for us.

I am grateful for domestic adoption.  I can’t imagine my life without it.  Of course in a perfect world there would be no such thing as adoption.  All babies would be planned.  There would be no such thing as famine and diseases leaving MILLIONS of orphans in orphanage. All women could conceive.  There is A LOT of hurt in adoption.  But the world isn’t perfect.  There are babies who are loved enough to be born and created an adoption plan.  There are woman and men so desperate for babies that birth parents have books and books of people letting them know they want their baby if they want to make a plan.

But I do want to let you know, in the beginning when you want nothing but a child in your arms, it hurts to look at pregnant woman.  We see every single one we walk past.  We aren’t jealous of our friends.  We truly are happy.  But we are hurt that the majority of the world has it so easy.  They don’t have to worry about getting approved for a baby. Are we good enough? They don’t have to worry about someone changing their mind and crushing their hopes.  They don’t have to worry about where the $15- 50,000 adoption costs are going to come from.  It hurts that we have to struggle to get something so natural, a family. Of course we move on past that stage.  Our hearts heal and become a little callous.  We are stronger now.  We pursue IVF or adoption.  We aren’t taking No for an answer.   We fight until we get a yes.  Every woman is different.  Some woman move on instantly (me) some woman take decades.  That’s ok.  We aren’t broken.  We were created this way for God’s ultimate plan.  God knew we would get our daughter through foster care.  He knew we would suck as foster parents and get crushed over and over again to move us onto domestic adoption.

So, let’s talk.  Are you an infertile? Do you feel comfortable enough talking about it?  Are you grieving right now? Contemplating your next step?

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4 thoughts on “I’m infertile… and it’s ok

  1. I love this: “We aren’t taking No for an answer. We fight until we get a yes.”
    Indeed! It’s much less hard to see pregnant women for me these days. But I’m really starting to stress about the idea of #2. I just wish so badly it could be easier to get there!

    • I totally get it. When should you start? Will someone pick me? It’s hard. Of course you will have that perfect baby meant for your family. It’s so hard to know how and when to go.

  2. I’ve known I was probably infertile from the time I was about 20 years old for a variety of reasons. When A and I got married, I knew that the possibility of my getting pregnant wasn’t very good. We waited a few years, and we did try to have a bio family for a little while. Meanwhile, my two best friends seemingly had baby after baby. That was hard. We decided to do fertility treatments, but my body wasn’t responding to them AND they made me feel like a crazy person. It wasn’t for us. We decided to adopt, and I am so thankful that we did. It was the right way for us to build our family. While I mourn the time I missed out on with my kids (3 months old and 10 months old when they came home), I definitely don’t mourn not being able to get pregnant. In fact, it is a relief, really. I don’t know if we will adopt again at this point, but I am so thankful for my two precious daughters!

    • Thank you so much for sharing M. I think the more we talk about it, the more likely people will feel comfortable discussing it. Let’s take away the humility. I feel like it’s a blessing.

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