Really bad day

As we all know I was having a hard time waiting for Bear’s bmom to choose the path for her baby.  Then she messaged me letting me know she was cramping.  I figured it must have been bad if she was telling me.  I instantly thought about her, the baby, and the miscarriage I had (obviously before Pumpkin) at 8 weeks.  I was crying all morning and was waiting news all day.  I asked her to call or message me as soon as she heard news from the doctor.  I thought her appointment was at 11 and I waited until 12:30 and texted her… no response.  Now I’m getting nervous.  I text again a couple of hours later…no response.  Now I’m thinking she lost the baby.  I was so sad. Crushed.  I didn’t realize how attached I was to the baby.  I was telling everyone, including myself I knew the likelihood of her parenting was great.  I was in a good spot, so I thought.  But then when a real threat of loosing what POSSIBLY could have been my child happened, I was in momma bear mode.  Finally she updated her facebook and baby is well.  I was so relived and then I realized how unhealthy my reaction was. This is not my baby.  If this baby is meant to be mine it will be once it hits my arms.  But until then, I am waaaaayyyyyy too invested.  Can you imagine my reaction if she were to have a change of heart going from adoption to parenting?! Not good.  So I wrote her letting her know how I was feeling.  So as of today we are back on the waitlist with our adoption agency.  I cannot wait for Bear’s bmom’s decision.   If Bear’s sibling is meant to be his brother or sister than God will work out the details.  But I need to take my mind off of this baby, that is very realistically not going to be an active part of our family (of course it will be in our family, but not a brother or sister.  You know what I’m saying.  Anyway)

So, I’m nervous.  Nervous we will have another failed adoption.  Nervous God will match us with a birthmom and Bear’s bmom chooses adoption and then we have a choice we need to make. Adoption…not for the faint of heart.

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