I am a mother. I have been for close to four years. After seven kids, my heart doesn’t ache.
I can’t imagine going through years and possibly decades of fertility treatments. I can try to empathize. My four years of tense living wondering who would be next and if they would stay were hell for me. I don’t say that lightly. One of my best friends thought I was a different person. My light was gone. I was filled with so much pain.
Infertility sucks. Adoption sucks. But for us it is a beautiful and totally perfectly bumpy path.
For every heartache and sob I’ve had. For every doubt and wonder. I can’t imagine a my life differently from what it is. When you privately adopt a domestic infant, you aren’t “saving a child”. You selfishly want to add to your family through someone else’s heartache. Because birthparents CHOOSE adoption doesn’t mean they would be unfit parents. In fact they would be pretty amazing parents, for the most part. Because anyone who chooses a better life for their baby over their own selfish desires is pretty amazing. In our country there are plenty of resources available help parents get by.
So today is about Bear’s bmom. It’s not about selfish me who just wanted a family. It’s about the most loving selfless woman who united two families. I truly feel like she is my sister and I can’t believe how blessed we are to go through this together.
Bethany, one of my best girls, made this for her. For Mother’s day. It’s a big holiday for the woman who gave me the world.
There are millions of kids who do need to be “saved”, but domestic infant adoption is not the path if that’s your goal.
The point I’m trying to make is, I hate that Bear’s birthparents went through all the pain of loosing their child. But I am forever grateful they loved us enough to choose us to raise their perfect baby.
Bear is my son through and through. My love for him is fierce. I know I made the right choice between Petunia and him. Of course that was an awful position and if given the option, we would have “twins” right now. But that wasn’t His plan.
Fostering ripped my heart to shreds over and over again. I wasn’t in the right mindset, which is awful, because anyone with a heart outside of the system would think otherwise. But it did bring us our second, but oldest, child. While I am grateful Honey’s birthmom chose life for her daughter I also hold a grudge against her. Against the system for keeping her in limbo for so long. I am angry at her for putting my dear sweet girl through hell. She didn’t make the ultimate sacrifice of love by choosing better. She fought hard, a loosing battle. The system shouldn’t have let her fight as long as they did. Ties should have been cut a long time ago. Honey’s birthmom is/was selfish. The system, in our county, does not consider the child’s best interest when they make decisions and delays. My daughter will struggle for the rest of her life because of the life she had during her most important years, 0-3.
I never met Honey’s bithmom and if/when I do, I hope all of my anger towards her disappears. In life I am an overly empathetic person. But I just can’t be here. Not yet. I would never say this or imply my feelings to Honey. But it is hard for me to sympathize with a stranger who hurt my daughter.
My beautiful sweet family.
Today I also think about of future child’s birhtmom. We don’t know if that’s Bear’s bmom or not. If it is another woman who is or will be facing a hard decision, I hope God is with her holding her hand. I hope she falls in love with us. I hope she wants to be a part of our lives. I pray she has support during this difficult time. I hope nobody is whispering awful horror stories about adoption to her trying to talk her out of it, or try and make her feel badly for her choice.
Lastly, today I want to think about all of the woman and families struggling with infertility. I know, this is a very hard day for you. While every path is different, if you are infertile you are going through a lot of heartache. If you are currently waiting to see or meet your child, don’t give up hope. Every heartache leads you towards the correct path. After having Pumpkin, we were hopeless which brought us to fostering. That was our absolute last resort. We did NOT want to go down that path. God pushed us there. And we got our amazing daughter. If we hadn’t had our hearts destroyed through fostering, we wouldn’t have tried domestic adoption. And now I don’t know the path for baby four. But I pray you can trust. You can let go. And you can learn from me and try to live stress free.
Was this a super depressing post? Sorry if you weren’t expecting me to be a Debbie Downer.
But to every type of mother:
Mother’s in waiting
Women frustrated and hopeless
The most selfless and loving birthparents who made the ultimate sacrifice
To birthparents who didn’t know when to say enough
I know this can be a hard day, but thank you for giving me my perfect family. Thank you for your encouragement along the way. If I can lift you up through your journey I would love to. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. I truly mean that.
Happy Mother’s day