I honestly haven’t had anxiety since we brought Bear home. I was a ball of nerves from all of the unknowns fostering brought. And just the instability it brought to our lives.
The crossroads have come. It’s due or die with our foster license. This is it. We are down to the wire. If we had baby #4 in my arms, I would have no problem closing our home. But it’s going to be a while before (s)he is here. There is a little boy on the counties website that has been pulling on my heart. I have not submitted our homestudy for obvious reasons. And this brings up my anxiety with this adoption. If you have been following my blog for a while you know I jump in and love with all heart from the get go. But we have had our hearts broken more than the average adoptive couple (I assume). I would warn any adoptive couple that is matched before the third trimester to tread lightly because they often don’t result in placement. Now, if we were matched with anyone besides the bparents I would be telling myself that every day. I know with all of my heart that they plan on doing adoption. I do not have fears of them having a change of heart. The season premier of I’m Having Their B*by starts soon (**** spoiler alert**) and it’s a failed adoption. The adoptive mom on the show is part of my adoption support group. I can’t imagine going through that with this pregnancy. The girls know bmom is having their brother or sister. They can fully wrap their brain around it. With previous heartbreaks they didn’t get it. Which brings me to my next point. Am I an idiot for involving my kids? I told them because I wanted them to have the understanding that babies come from bellies after a long time waiting. They don’t just appear on your door from nowhere (which has been their only experience). I want them at the ultrasound (if bparents allow them). I want them to experience everything a typical sibling would. This is a rare treat for adoptive families. Also, because of the show, wish I could reach out to the birthmom from our failed adoption. I truly did love her. And I just want to know how she’s doing. I just want to catch up.
So that’s what’s on my mind and keeping me up at 5am. Are we really going to let our foster license expire? Am I the biggest idiot in the world for involving my children in this pregnancy? Am I officially jaded from all of the heartbreak we’ve had? Have I finally taken off my rose colored glasses?