A hard night

We were in the car driving home from my grandma’s and were talking about our new baby brother Koala.  Honey got very serious and sad and asked about Bear.  I knew she meant, “what’s going to happen to Bear”.  I had to turn my eyes to the window to answer because my eyes started to well with tears.  I reassured her that Bear was never leaving.  He is her brother and always will be.  Then she said, ” Well, what about Peanut?” In her head she was asking, well Peanut just left so so can Bear.  I reminded her that we just had Peanut for a short while but we will have Bear and Koala forever.  When we came home I emailed Peanuts family and asked for pictures to show Honey, and she so graciously sent them immediately.

 

In “new mom’s” email back she wrote:

Really sorry you all got so attached to her didn’t they tell you from the start that she had family that would be taking her?

 

So of course I wrote back and let her know that of course we knew she was going to you, we were also told there was a chance she could stay.  But beyond that, we fell in love with her, just like all foster parents should.  Otherwise we would have done a disservice to Peanut.  I said some other things as well.

Her response was:

Not sure exactly how old your daughters are but if there is not constant reminders around about the babies you have fostered they would more than likely forget them. I know that’s a terrible thing to say because you want the memories but honestly I think it’s best if they forget. 

She also talked about how Peanut’s birthmom should be jailed for continuing to have kids.  She kind of implied that Peanut was a burden on them.

 

I wrote back, that we don’t go around talking about Peanut, but if the girls bring her up we of course talk about her and try to get their little brains to figure out what happened.  All of you adoptive moms know, kids bring up the toughest conversations in the car.  But I am going to take that last email to mean that she will no longer be sending updates when asked.  I also told her that while I hoped Peanuts birthmom would look into some semi permanent birth control, I do applaud her for giving birth and not aborting.

 

Now, I am in a super funk.  Have I permanently damaged my daughters?  They think it’s normal for children to just be removed on a moments notice, no warning needed (hello Petunia and Honey’s own experience). I am sort of at a loss.  Should I show Honey the pictures “new mom” sent me? Or am I only making her memory of her more permanent?  Should I just drop it and avoid future contact?

Also, now I’m wondering if we should lay off on the whole Koala talk?  While I don’t believe bmom and bdad will have a change of heart, they have every right to parent their baby.  If they do so I am setting my kids up for a whole new world of hurt and confusion.

 

Tonight I just feel like the world’s worst mom to ever put any fear and confusion in my precious children’s minds.

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4 thoughts on “A hard night

  1. That’s a lot of hard stuff to wade through. We haven’t always known how to handle it, either, when we’ve gotten questions from our older kids about whether Cora is going to stay or not. Luckily we’re past the appeal period, so at this point it’s just a waiting game for the finalization, but until that we were worried about how they’d take it if their baby sister was reunified. Hang in there. 😦

  2. This IS a hard one. But, like you know, adoption is hard in general. All parts of it. Your post has several parts:
    1. Honey knows (even if she can’t say it or has tangible memories of it) that people leave (her). And she knows that she leaves people. I do think this is something you should address, maybe through reinforcing that you are her family, that she will be a part of your family no matter what, that you love her not matter what, etc.
    2. I think it is ok and healthy to show Honey the pictures of Peanut. It would probably help her to know she didn’t just disappear and that she is healthy (and hopefully happy, etc). I wouldn’t bring up Peanut unless the girls ask.
    3. Prep for and talk about Koala– yes!!! If you were pregnant you would be talking about him all the time, and I feel like the adoption is no different in that way. I think it is important to talk about “when the baby comes” and allow her to kind of take the lead on what she wants to talk about. I’m sure that there are going to be changes in the house to prepare for him to arrive. I’d explain them and let the girls be involved in it (like arranging toys? putting tiny baby clothes in the drawers? IDK!)
    4. You have not damaged your children. You are an amazing mom.
    5. Have you read the book The Whole Brain Child? It isn’t a book I’d usually find on my own, but I found out about it at that adoptive moms retreat I went to. It’s an easy read, and it is good!

    • Thank you so much for not making me feel like the worst mom ever. ❤ It really made me feel better.

      1. We do that ALL the time. I feel like I do nothing else but assure her we are hers forever. I understand it's part of the drama that came with her story.
      2. I'm glad you agree. She asked about her when she first woke up the next morning and I already showed her.
      3. Thank you!
      4. Thank you again. hahahahh Seriously, sometimes I think, "what did I do to them?"
      5. No I haven't! I will order it.

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