We were in the car driving home from my grandma’s and were talking about our new baby brother Koala. Honey got very serious and sad and asked about Bear. I knew she meant, “what’s going to happen to Bear”. I had to turn my eyes to the window to answer because my eyes started to well with tears. I reassured her that Bear was never leaving. He is her brother and always will be. Then she said, ” Well, what about Peanut?” In her head she was asking, well Peanut just left so so can Bear. I reminded her that we just had Peanut for a short while but we will have Bear and Koala forever. When we came home I emailed Peanuts family and asked for pictures to show Honey, and she so graciously sent them immediately.
In “new mom’s” email back she wrote:
Really sorry you all got so attached to her didn’t they tell you from the start that she had family that would be taking her?
So of course I wrote back and let her know that of course we knew she was going to you, we were also told there was a chance she could stay. But beyond that, we fell in love with her, just like all foster parents should. Otherwise we would have done a disservice to Peanut. I said some other things as well.
Her response was:
Not sure exactly how old your daughters are but if there is not constant reminders around about the babies you have fostered they would more than likely forget them. I know that’s a terrible thing to say because you want the memories but honestly I think it’s best if they forget.
She also talked about how Peanut’s birthmom should be jailed for continuing to have kids. She kind of implied that Peanut was a burden on them.
I wrote back, that we don’t go around talking about Peanut, but if the girls bring her up we of course talk about her and try to get their little brains to figure out what happened. All of you adoptive moms know, kids bring up the toughest conversations in the car. But I am going to take that last email to mean that she will no longer be sending updates when asked. I also told her that while I hoped Peanuts birthmom would look into some semi permanent birth control, I do applaud her for giving birth and not aborting.
Now, I am in a super funk. Have I permanently damaged my daughters? They think it’s normal for children to just be removed on a moments notice, no warning needed (hello Petunia and Honey’s own experience). I am sort of at a loss. Should I show Honey the pictures “new mom” sent me? Or am I only making her memory of her more permanent? Should I just drop it and avoid future contact?
Also, now I’m wondering if we should lay off on the whole Koala talk? While I don’t believe bmom and bdad will have a change of heart, they have every right to parent their baby. If they do so I am setting my kids up for a whole new world of hurt and confusion.
Tonight I just feel like the world’s worst mom to ever put any fear and confusion in my precious children’s minds.