Change of plans

So, we were invited to Sweet Potato’s birthday party.  It’s next week, we are going, and I am freaking out about it.  I haven’t seen him since last December and while I felt like I got closure; I am a bit of a mess.  My anxiety is all whacked out.   On top of that Bmom told me she no longer wants me in the delivery room.  I knew this would happen, but I can’t help but be disappointed.  It was something I wanted so badly.  As you know, I have not been with any of my children immediately after birth and I have never had that experience.  Everything PC tells me I should not be upset, this baby “isn’t mine” until/ if the papers are signed.  But I feel with every ounce of my being that this baby is mine.  I felt selfish that I wanted to be there.  But my dear friend, who knows me better than anyone, told me, “you are not being selfish for wanting to be there for your child.  It’s the same motherly instinct that Bmom made her choice not to have you there.  You both want to experience that and be there for him.  If you are being selfish, she’s being just as selfish for not having you there.”  She wasn’t calling bmom selfish, she was just saying I feel the same as bmom, but I have no power.  This of course puts a slight doubt in my mind.  I am now starting to wonder if they will have a change of heart.  And this couldn’t have come at a worse time than with Sweet Potato’s birthday coming up.

Someone say something that will magically make me feel better and at ease. 😉   I know I will get through this.  I know bmom can only do what she feels comfortable doing.  But man, does this suck.

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