Hard time

Can I be honest?

 

I am feeling really guilty about this.  As you may remember ( http://addingmembers.blogspot.com/2012/07/hes-here.html ) We were told we had to choose between Petunia and Bear.  Our private agency wanted us to only have one baby and then the county gave us one hour to choose.  Not knowing Petunia’s future we chose our son.  I still feel tremendous guilt about this.  I LOVE my boys don’t get me wrong, I am SO blessed to have them in my life, but I feel so guilty about choosing to say goodbye to the baby girl we loved so much.  She has since been adopted by the home she went to, I reached out to her mom, but she chose not to have contact with us.  On top of this guilt, I reached out to Honey’s birthmom.  This was our first contact with her and I am so nervous to see how this relationship develops.  She did confirm that she had a boy, Honey’s half biological sibling, that was removed and placed for adoption through the county.  He is a few months younger than Bear.  So, my heart is breaking all over again because of the What If’s in life.  What if we kept Petunia.  We would most likely have Honey’s half biological sibling.  Did I take that away from Honey? I LOVE my boys with something fierce and I cannot imagine not having them in my life.  But I just feel so guilty.  I said no to Petunia and as a result, we lost out on Honey’s half bio becoming her brother.   I feel bad enough that Honey is the only black child in our family, but now I took this from her. I feel guilty because in a sense, I am happy with my choice.  I LOVE my boys.  I love their birthparents.  I feel like we have it really easy.  It just works.  But will Honey resent me? I put her through a loss, which is something she greatly struggles with, with losing Petunia (I do think it helped that Bear was there almost immediately after, unlike when we lost S.P. and Peanut) and when she is old enough to realize, I put her through the loss of having her half bio become her brother.

 

I’m just in a hard spot right now and I feel so bad for Honey.  My sweet girl.

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4 thoughts on “Hard time

  1. I don’t have a clue what you’re going through… I have no connection to foster care other than through some blogs I read. But I felt like you needed to hear two things: A) You’re not a fortune teller! You made the best choice you could with the info you had! and B) You would’ve kept them both if you could have – the agency is who forced your hand and put you guys in the painful position of having to choose between two babies, both of whom you loved dearly. You’re very clearly doing the best you can! And yes, someday Honey will learn these facts, and they may be hard for her, but she’ll also learn how much you hurt for her when you realized what had happened, and very much you wish you could’ve given her yet another precious brother! (Because Bear and Koala so clearly belong with you all!) Your pain evidence of how deeply you love them all.

  2. My opinion is that there is no reason to think that one is related to the other. The county could have called you about Honey’s brother either way, whether or not you were still foster parents. They SHOULD have called you as it’s policy to attempt to put/keep siblings together. It could have been a kinship placement or a safety placement (where you have temporary custody, not the state). It’s on the county’s shoulders, not yours. You didn’t know about him. Don’t beat yourself up over the what ifs. Bear and Koala are exactly where they’re supposed to be. Petunia has a loving forever home (I assume) and hopefully so does Honey’s brother. Perhaps you can still form a relationship with Honey’s brother down the road and they can have that bond. There are a lot of things about our kids that we don’t get to choose and when you foster/adopt skin color is often one of those things. God put Honey in your family just as He put your other 3 kids in your family and I don’t believe there was any oversight about it or any mistakes made in the choosing of Bear over Petunia. You have a beautiful family. Each child is unique and has their own special story of how they joined your family. It seems like Koala’s entry in your family was the only “easy” one! (You might disagree.) 😉

    • Thank you Martina. I know that I can’t have it all. And I am SO happy and in love with my boys. I just feel so bad for Honey.
      And no, my journey was anything but easy. I was referring to life now. My life now, is so easy. 🙂

      Thank you for being so sweet and encouraging.

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