Can I be honest?
I am feeling really guilty about this. As you may remember ( http://addingmembers.blogspot.com/2012/07/hes-here.html ) We were told we had to choose between Petunia and Bear. Our private agency wanted us to only have one baby and then the county gave us one hour to choose. Not knowing Petunia’s future we chose our son. I still feel tremendous guilt about this. I LOVE my boys don’t get me wrong, I am SO blessed to have them in my life, but I feel so guilty about choosing to say goodbye to the baby girl we loved so much. She has since been adopted by the home she went to, I reached out to her mom, but she chose not to have contact with us. On top of this guilt, I reached out to Honey’s birthmom. This was our first contact with her and I am so nervous to see how this relationship develops. She did confirm that she had a boy, Honey’s half biological sibling, that was removed and placed for adoption through the county. He is a few months younger than Bear. So, my heart is breaking all over again because of the What If’s in life. What if we kept Petunia. We would most likely have Honey’s half biological sibling. Did I take that away from Honey? I LOVE my boys with something fierce and I cannot imagine not having them in my life. But I just feel so guilty. I said no to Petunia and as a result, we lost out on Honey’s half bio becoming her brother. I feel bad enough that Honey is the only black child in our family, but now I took this from her. I feel guilty because in a sense, I am happy with my choice. I LOVE my boys. I love their birthparents. I feel like we have it really easy. It just works. But will Honey resent me? I put her through a loss, which is something she greatly struggles with, with losing Petunia (I do think it helped that Bear was there almost immediately after, unlike when we lost S.P. and Peanut) and when she is old enough to realize, I put her through the loss of having her half bio become her brother.
I’m just in a hard spot right now and I feel so bad for Honey. My sweet girl.