Can I be honest?
I am feeling really guilty about this. As you may remember ( http://addingmembers.blogspot.com/2012/07/hes-here.html ) We were told we had to choose between Petunia and Bear. Our private agency wanted us to only have one baby and then the county gave us one hour to choose. Not knowing Petunia’s future we chose our son. I still feel tremendous guilt about this. I LOVE my boys don’t get me wrong, I am SO blessed to have them in my life, but I feel so guilty about choosing to say goodbye to the baby girl we loved so much. She has since been adopted by the home she went to, I reached out to her mom, but she chose not to have contact with us. On top of this guilt, I reached out to Honey’s birthmom. This was our first contact with her and I am so nervous to see how this relationship develops. She did confirm that she had a boy, Honey’s half biological sibling, that was removed and placed for adoption through the county. He is a few months younger than Bear. So, my heart is breaking all over again because of the What If’s in life. What if we kept Petunia. We would most likely have Honey’s half biological sibling. Did I take that away from Honey? I LOVE my boys with something fierce and I cannot imagine not having them in my life. But I just feel so guilty. I said no to Petunia and as a result, we lost out on Honey’s half bio becoming her brother. I feel bad enough that Honey is the only black child in our family, but now I took this from her. I feel guilty because in a sense, I am happy with my choice. I LOVE my boys. I love their birthparents. I feel like we have it really easy. It just works. But will Honey resent me? I put her through a loss, which is something she greatly struggles with, with losing Petunia (I do think it helped that Bear was there almost immediately after, unlike when we lost S.P. and Peanut) and when she is old enough to realize, I put her through the loss of having her half bio become her brother.
I’m just in a hard spot right now and I feel so bad for Honey. My sweet girl.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think of my sons’ birthparents and pray for them and thank them.
When I saw this pin I got so excited. YES! Someone else gets it!
In this day and age it is pretty uncommon to have a closed adoption. I think a lot of couples going into adoption think they want it closed. Birthparents seem threatening. I can understand that. But the second your agency educates you on what it is to have openness, I don’t understand not changing your mind. I guess that’s where things go sour though. If you don’t have a good agency and you only have one that makes you read a book or little more than total non education, I can see how your opinion would not change.
I have experienced more loss than the typical adoptive parent. And I think the struggle I went/go through with Sweet Potato, Peanut, and Petunia make me more empathetic to the loss that the birthparents feel. I don’t know if that the truth or not but that’s kind of how I feel.
I LOVE our boys birthparents. Like Love Love them. Both of them.
And with that, I think it’s time I tried to reach out to Honey’s birthparents. She goes back and forth, in extremes, one minute wanting me to and the next desperately not. But I think it’s time. I want to reach out to her and give her a place to reach out to me. Our agency said they would be able to send it totally confidential. We will need to build a slow healthy relationship. If at any point Honey doesn’t want to or is acting out, we will cut off contact. She comes first. Her story is different than the boys. She was hurt, badly, by her birthparents. They were not ideal. Hence why they were cut off from her and placed with us. That decision was made for my girl. It was not an act of love. She was harmed and it was proven that going back to her birthparents would be even more harmful. I understand fighting for your child. I understand why she didn’t want to let her go. But there is a selfishness that comes with allowing your child to fester in foster care for years.
I am going to open myself up, see where things go, and hope to find love for Honey’s birthparents. They are part of her. I need to let my resentment go for the harm they caused my sweet girl. So here it goes. The first draft of my letter.
Well to be honest, I am grateful that more people didn’t enter since wordpress wasn’t posting comments in order that they came in I am crazy sick, so I’m sorry for posting this late.
The winner of the necklace is…
CARRIE! I will email you shortly to get your address! Congratulations and thank you to everyone that helped us along the way. Thank you for the prayers. The words of encouragement. The financial blessing. Everything. It means the world to me and I am just so in love with my family. When I learned about my hysterectomy, I just never thought my dreams I had for my family would come true.
Emotionally. There needs to be a reform and I don’t know how to make that happen. One of my few foster care friends called me and said, guess who just called me? The foster agency is placing her previous placement from years ago. They are back in the system. Only now, the oldest M wasn’t part of the description and there are two more babies. This just BREAKS my heart! Those boys should have been adopted YEARS ago. We did respite for them a few times and we would have adopted them, their previous foster family (who’s care they were removed because they wanted to adopt them) I am so sick of birthparents getting chance after chance to mess these kids up. It is SO obvious what birthparents make great parents and who don’t. You can tell that by one month. You can certainly tell by 6. And guess what, if having their children taken away doesn’t make them want to turn their life around, nothing will. People used to say to me, “oh I could never foster, I would love the kids too much” and I would say, “you are supposed to love them. This could be the only time in their life where they felt love”. My how that sounds great in theory. But the truth is, the county doesn’t want you to love them. I loved EVERY child that stepped into my house too much. It’s heartbreaking. So lets see what happens in this new round of the circus. Hopefully these kids will finally have some permanency they should have gotten years ago.
I am so grateful for the support we got from all of our kids adoptions, I wanted to say thank you! I bought this sweet necklace at Kate’s sale, and with her approval, it is yours to win!
Let Go(d) from The Adopt Shoppe
Here are the rules:
– This closes Wednesday February 5th at 8pm eastern time.
– to enter, you write what number comment you are (look at the comment above you if you don’t know what # you are)( just to be clear, count what number you are from the comments above you) in the comment and…
– please leave your email address in the comments. I am not very tech savvy and am not sure if I will be able to find it, if it’s not right in front of my face.
– only one comment per person. If you leave more than one, you will be removed from the drawing. Cheaters are no good. hahaha
so your comment would look like this- “Thank you Kate for allowing me to do this… #1 email@example.com”
(there are no other rules. you don’t have to share my blog. you don’t have to post it to pintrest. nothing but comment with a number and email)
Does that make sense? I hope so. hahahah
Good Luck! And THANK YOU!!!! I am just so blessed and am so in love with my family, I wanted to give back, even in the smallest way possible.
I did not mean for my blogging break to take this long! And when I looked at my blog to see what I had posted last, I was shocked to discover a crazy new blog design. hahahahah How long has that chandelier picture been up there? hahahah I’ll fix that soon. And post today.
I uploaded my camera and saw some pictures I didn’t take.
The girls know they aren’t allowed to touch my camera. They have my old one they can take pictures on and it has been MIA. I didn’t know who did it…
Until I saw this picture of these beautiful brown legs. hahah