Questioning

Today I stopped at Bmom’s house and I asked her what her opinion would be IF we adopted again.  There is an agency in my state that is in desperate need of adoptive parents, specifically for black children. They only work in our state and if they don’t fill the demand, they will have to open up in other states, which is not what they want to do.  She knew that for baby #4 we were only going to be open to a biracial or african american child because we didn’t want Honey to be our only black child.  Then she found out she was expecting.  She knew our position and where we stood. When I asked her what she thought, she didn’t seemed shocked.  She said that she knew that’s what we wanted for baby #4 and knew we thought of Koala as a blessing, but she understood.  She said she felt like if God wanted us to have another child then we would.  Which was kind of my thinking as well.  You see, Honey is not a super confident child.  She is very much aware that she is different than the rest of her family.  We live in a diverse neighborhood, we are involved with the adoption community, have a multiracial playgroup, go to a diverse church, and her school is just the best.  But I know from everything I’ve read and all of the speakers I’ve gone to, that depending on the child’s personality, being different in a family can negatively impact that child for the rest of their life.  That is a very realistic fear I have for Honey.  I also feel tremendous guilt that we were not called on Honey’s half biological sibling (I know it’s God’s plan.  And I know there’s nothing I could have done differently). Not to say Honey is the only reason we would be adopting, I wanted 5 kids from the get go.  The Hubs wanted 3. And we had NO IDEA that, after becoming infertile, we would have our dream family. We would very much welcome and love another child, if we were so blessed.  At the same time I have some major fears.  I LOVE our relationship with the boys birthparents. They respect us as parents, they understand our views on things.  I don’t know that I will be so lucky again.  Would baby/ child #5 need therapies? We don’t have time to put into more therapies.  But I feel that God would give us the child that was meant to be, or not meant to be.  We aren’t going to keep our homestudy open forever.  In fact, we will not be renewing it.  So if we weren’t matched by a certain time, then I am ok with that.  Really, I am just writing to try to figure it out.