Questioning

Today I stopped at Bmom’s house and I asked her what her opinion would be IF we adopted again.  There is an agency in my state that is in desperate need of adoptive parents, specifically for black children. They only work in our state and if they don’t fill the demand, they will have to open up in other states, which is not what they want to do.  She knew that for baby #4 we were only going to be open to a biracial or african american child because we didn’t want Honey to be our only black child.  Then she found out she was expecting.  She knew our position and where we stood. When I asked her what she thought, she didn’t seemed shocked.  She said that she knew that’s what we wanted for baby #4 and knew we thought of Koala as a blessing, but she understood.  She said she felt like if God wanted us to have another child then we would.  Which was kind of my thinking as well.  You see, Honey is not a super confident child.  She is very much aware that she is different than the rest of her family.  We live in a diverse neighborhood, we are involved with the adoption community, have a multiracial playgroup, go to a diverse church, and her school is just the best.  But I know from everything I’ve read and all of the speakers I’ve gone to, that depending on the child’s personality, being different in a family can negatively impact that child for the rest of their life.  That is a very realistic fear I have for Honey.  I also feel tremendous guilt that we were not called on Honey’s half biological sibling (I know it’s God’s plan.  And I know there’s nothing I could have done differently). Not to say Honey is the only reason we would be adopting, I wanted 5 kids from the get go.  The Hubs wanted 3. And we had NO IDEA that, after becoming infertile, we would have our dream family. We would very much welcome and love another child, if we were so blessed.  At the same time I have some major fears.  I LOVE our relationship with the boys birthparents. They respect us as parents, they understand our views on things.  I don’t know that I will be so lucky again.  Would baby/ child #5 need therapies? We don’t have time to put into more therapies.  But I feel that God would give us the child that was meant to be, or not meant to be.  We aren’t going to keep our homestudy open forever.  In fact, we will not be renewing it.  So if we weren’t matched by a certain time, then I am ok with that.  Really, I am just writing to try to figure it out.

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6 thoughts on “Questioning

  1. I would love to email you. Could you share your email {or write me at the email I listed above}?

    I promise I am a real adoptive/foster mama and not spam:). I think we’re in the same state and would love some info on this adoption agency as well as just connecting with another transracial adoptive mama. Thanks!

  2. That sounds so exciting! I haven’t adopted or fostered (we’re thinking about it for the future, once we’ve stabilized ourselves a bit) but I do understand how it feels to see one of your children struggling with what feels like an inherent lack of confidence. I hope, first and foremost, that the intensity of your love and concern for Honey will be something that she comes to understand in a way that will build her confidence right up to where it belongs, and also in a somewhat selfish way that you all DO find another precious child (and Bparents!) out there waiting for you! I love seeing your family grow, and love how you include Bmom and Bdad in the discussion. I can understand your desire to see the light in Honey’s eyes grow that much brighter by having another biracial or black sibling in her own family (I’m the only redhead in my family, and something as simple as that frequently made me feel like an outsider – how happy is it for any of us to look around our family and see someone we really identify with on several levels, and how much do many of us take that for granted?), and it’s obvious that you guys have SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE, I don’t think anyone would ever think you did it “just” for Honey.

  3. And I hope I didn’t sound disrespectful, equating Honey’s racial identity to a hair color, however loosely! I don’t want to minimize her experiences, or her (or your) concerns as you evaluate the next best step for you all as a family!

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