ok, so I write all of my posts at the end of the previous week before they are posted… that didn’t happen last week.  So I doubt you will get a post tomorrow.  Sorry if I have you at the edge of your seat. hahah

 

I did want to talk about this.  

Honey and Pumpkin go to an AMAZING school. We camped out for it.  It is rated A+ (excellent with distinction).  It is a public magnet school.  Since it is magnet it isn’t the most diverse school.  It is, but not as much as I’d like.  There are a few black kids in each class. There are Indian kids, Ethiopian, HIspanic etc.  So it’s not all white.  The teaching staff is very diverse with it probably being 60/40.  There are 4 transracial, from adoption, families that I know of in Honey’s class.  While I would love for their school to have more diversity (in fact there is a whole comity in the school to address the subject, which I want to join but with the babies it’s just not working out right now) I don’t want to sacrifice an education ONLY to have more diversity.

I know how important it is to raise her in a diverse neighborhood.  Our street is about 50/50.  It is a perfect balance. I know all of this.  But the truth of the matter is that our city is VERY racially divided.  As awful as that is to say, most black people live in one neighborhood.  And most white people live in another neighborhood.  It is not very common to have this 50/50 ratio in our city.  

Ok, my point, some kid on the playground yesterday made fun of Honey’s hair.  He told her it was silly. I know that’s not the worst, but I was never made fun of growing up and it’s one of my biggest fears as a parent in today’s world. I asked her what she thought and she just said that it’s silly.  I asked her who said it, and I didn’t know him.  I wanted to ask if he had brown skin or peach skin, but I didn’t.  I did say, “your hair is beautiful.  It’s NOT silly. You can do so much with it. You tell that boy tomorrow that your hair is NOT Silly.”  This was always my fear with Honey.  That she would easily be picked on and wouldn’t stand up for herself.  Now if Pumpkin was there, she would have stood up to him for her.  Was she made fun of because I am a white mom doing her hair? Was she made fun of because of her race? Or am I totally overreacting? 

We could send Honey to the school literally right down the street.  It is probably 90% African America.  But would she get made fun of for having white parents? The school down the street has probably an F rating.  

Parenting is rough. 

Generous

I am totally emotional right now. 

Last night my mom babysat. This morning Michael held up an envelope asking what it was. Upon opening it we saw my mom left us a check to put towards Koala’s adoption.  I started cryIng. You see, my parents don’t have money. My father was planning on retiring with his pensIon. But his company filed for bankruptcy and went under. They put all 6 of their kids in catholic school, from 1-12th grade. They didn’t/ couldn’t plan for their future because their kids were their priority.  That’s the type of parent I want to be. I want to give until I can’t give any more.  This just means the world to me and I can’t believe their generosity. 

 

A huge thank you to my parents. 

What to look for when choosing an adoption agency – advice for birth moms

I have asked Bmom why she chose our adoption agency and she said, “because it was closest”.  Simple answers like this are very common amongst both adoptive and birth parents.  But I RESEARCHED our agency.  I stopped EVERY transracial family (because we are a conspicuous bunch) and asked them which agency they used.  Now, when time came to really hunt for agencies I called EVERY lead I had.  My friend had an old co worker that adopted, I called him. My cousin’s wife’s sister adopted, I called her. My MIL knew someone that adopted, I called them.  I can’t remember how many people/ families I talked to about their adoption story and their agency. It was A LOT!  I ruled out agency’s because they were rude to me on the phone and I thought, if they are rude to me how will they treat our birthmom? RULED OUT!  I ruled out agencies because they charged differently based on your income or the child’s race. So, as I talked with bmom she told me I should write a blog post about searching for an adoption agency as a birthparent.

*First things first, what kind of adoption do you want?

If you want openness choose a local agency.  If you THINK you just want letters and yearly visits, allow yourself the possibility to have a very open adoption.  I promise your adoptive family will fall in love with you and want you in their lives.  And your yearly visit just got a whole lot easier when you only have to drive 20 minutes instead of 15 hours.

You don’t know what will happen in the future.  You may plan on going out to see your baby but are unable to come up with the funds if they live out of town. If you are afraid of bumping into your adoptive couple at the store, it won’t happen.  I have never bumped into either bmom or bdad.

If you want a closed adoption, choose a national agency.  That eliminates almost all possibility of running into them.

* Call around to different agencies and pretend you are an adoptive parent.

Most agencies will roll out the red carpet for birth parents.  But if you’re an adoptive couple… you can wait.  There are a few good things that would come from this call. You see the agencies true colors.  Are they trying to rush you off the phone?  Do they charge different amounts based on race or income levels? You will most likely just speak with the secretary, while if you are a birth parent you will go straight to a social worker.  But at every company, the secretary is the “face” of the company.  So you can get a sense of what the company values when speaking with the secretary

* What services do they provide for birth parents?

I chose our agency because they offer free LIFETIME counseling to anyone involved with the adoption.  20 years down the road, if Bear has some issue he needs to discuss, he can call them.  That goes for me, The Hubs, Honey, Pumpkin, Bear, Koala, Bmom and Bdad.  If at any point we need help, we can call them.  That was HUGE for me!!! Most agencies I called offered NO or minimal counseling for the birth parents. I wasn’t concerned about getting counseling for us, but I was concerned for the birth parents.  Some birth parents need that support throughout life.

I had ruled out other agencies because the agency was not there when they needed support.  While giving birth, etc

* There is a huge support online for birthparents, join them

Joining birth parent support groups does not mean you actually have to place.  You can change your mind at any time.

But joining a group gives you the behind the scene look at what other birth parents have gone through.  Would they use their agency again? And if so, why?

(warning, bmom said it’s hard to find a positive support group, so you may have to hunt.  If any birthmoms comment with groups I will update this post)

*If you are choosing an open adoption, let people know

This one can be a little bit sticky.  While, if someone I knew said they were placing a child for adoption, they would get nothing but support from our family.  But I know that’s not the case for many birthparents, and lack of support being one of the reasons they chose adoption.  But, if you have a great support system, let people know you are considering adoption.  I guarantee you that a “good friend” has an “aunt” that is trying to adopt. *****As long as they are licensed with an agency, that may be a path you want to go down.  I knew of LOTS of people who knew someone who was considering or placing their baby for adoption.  I got very excited in the beginning, and then realized most of those leads were dead ends.  But that could be an amazing path for you.  On the negative side of that.  If you decide to parent you would hurt the adoptive couple, therefore hurt your friend and could lose a friendship over it.  There are pluses and minuses to opening it up for people to give you leads on LICENSED adoptive parents.

*Lastly,  trust your instincts.

Just because you called an agency doesn’t mean you have to stick with them.  If at any point you don’t like your agency, for whatever reason, you can switch.  If you haven’t met and fallen in love with your adoptive couple, you have nothing to lose. (as an adoptive parent, I would warn against switching agencies after you met with them because that would be a whole lot of heartache.  Hopefully you would know how you feel about the agency before it got to that point)

A hard night

We were in the car driving home from my grandma’s and were talking about our new baby brother Koala.  Honey got very serious and sad and asked about Bear.  I knew she meant, “what’s going to happen to Bear”.  I had to turn my eyes to the window to answer because my eyes started to well with tears.  I reassured her that Bear was never leaving.  He is her brother and always will be.  Then she said, ” Well, what about Peanut?” In her head she was asking, well Peanut just left so so can Bear.  I reminded her that we just had Peanut for a short while but we will have Bear and Koala forever.  When we came home I emailed Peanuts family and asked for pictures to show Honey, and she so graciously sent them immediately.

 

In “new mom’s” email back she wrote:

Really sorry you all got so attached to her didn’t they tell you from the start that she had family that would be taking her?

 

So of course I wrote back and let her know that of course we knew she was going to you, we were also told there was a chance she could stay.  But beyond that, we fell in love with her, just like all foster parents should.  Otherwise we would have done a disservice to Peanut.  I said some other things as well.

Her response was:

Not sure exactly how old your daughters are but if there is not constant reminders around about the babies you have fostered they would more than likely forget them. I know that’s a terrible thing to say because you want the memories but honestly I think it’s best if they forget. 

She also talked about how Peanut’s birthmom should be jailed for continuing to have kids.  She kind of implied that Peanut was a burden on them.

 

I wrote back, that we don’t go around talking about Peanut, but if the girls bring her up we of course talk about her and try to get their little brains to figure out what happened.  All of you adoptive moms know, kids bring up the toughest conversations in the car.  But I am going to take that last email to mean that she will no longer be sending updates when asked.  I also told her that while I hoped Peanuts birthmom would look into some semi permanent birth control, I do applaud her for giving birth and not aborting.

 

Now, I am in a super funk.  Have I permanently damaged my daughters?  They think it’s normal for children to just be removed on a moments notice, no warning needed (hello Petunia and Honey’s own experience). I am sort of at a loss.  Should I show Honey the pictures “new mom” sent me? Or am I only making her memory of her more permanent?  Should I just drop it and avoid future contact?

Also, now I’m wondering if we should lay off on the whole Koala talk?  While I don’t believe bmom and bdad will have a change of heart, they have every right to parent their baby.  If they do so I am setting my kids up for a whole new world of hurt and confusion.

 

Tonight I just feel like the world’s worst mom to ever put any fear and confusion in my precious children’s minds.

Don’t forget…

Go to Wendy’s and get yourself a Frosty (or 15)

 

Go to Wendy’s

This weekend, proceeds from every Frosty sold at Wendy’s goes towards finding homes for waiting children in the foster care system.  http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/   The Dave Thomas Foundation is amazing and the work they do it truly needed.   I know we will be heading to Wendy’s multiple times this weekend.  The girls are in for lots of special treats.

 

 

Letting go

Last night, I searched and searched and searched for the packet of paperwork to renew our foster license.  It is gone.  I know I didn’t throw it away.  I don’t know if The Hubs did or not.  But it’s not here.  I am taking this as a sign.  God knows our next baby is Bear’s bio sibling.  He knows we aren’t cut out for fostering.  But, maybe he placed this little boy on my heart so I would share him on here.

This is the little boy I have been so attached to.  He doesn’t need a perfect family (Lord knows, ours isn’t).  But he does need a family.  Please consider adopting an older child.  I just think about my poor Honey and her ending up on the counties website just waiting and waiting.  Moving from home to home.  If you have adopted, I’m sure it’s easy for you to look at your kids and say, what if nobody wanted them. That’s a hard thing to think about.  Right now, nobody “wants” these older children.  And that just crushes me.

Anxious

I honestly haven’t had anxiety since we brought Bear home. I was a ball of nerves from all of the unknowns fostering brought. And just the instability it brought to our lives. 

The crossroads have come. It’s due or die with our foster license. This is it. We are down to the wire. If we had baby #4 in my arms, I would have no problem closing our home.  But it’s going to be a while before (s)he is here.  There is a little boy on the counties website that has been pulling on my heart. I have not submitted our homestudy for obvious reasons. And this brings up my anxiety with this adoption. If you have been following my blog for a while you know I jump in and love with all heart from the get go. But we have had our hearts broken more than the average adoptive couple (I assume). I would warn any adoptive couple that is matched before the third trimester to tread lightly because they often don’t result in placement. Now, if we were matched with anyone besides the bparents I would  be telling myself that every day. I know with all of my heart that they plan on doing adoption. I do not have fears of them having a change of heart.  The season premier of I’m Having Their B*by starts soon (**** spoiler alert**) and it’s a failed adoption.  The adoptive mom on the show is part of my adoption support group. I can’t imagine  going through that with this pregnancy. The girls know bmom is having their brother or sister. They can fully wrap their brain around it. With previous heartbreaks they didn’t get it. Which brings me to my next point. Am I an idiot for involving my kids? I told them because I wanted them to have the understanding that babies come from bellies after a long time waiting. They don’t just appear on your door from nowhere (which has been their only experience). I want them at the ultrasound (if bparents allow them). I want them to experience everything a typical sibling would. This is a rare treat for adoptive families. Also, because of the show, wish I could reach out to the birthmom from our failed adoption. I truly did love her. And I just want to know how she’s doing. I just want to catch up. 

 

So that’s what’s on my mind and keeping me up at 5am.  Are we really going to let our foster license expire? Am I the biggest idiot in the world for involving my children in this pregnancy? Am I officially jaded from all of the heartbreak we’ve had? Have I finally taken off my rose colored glasses? 

So Amazing

Bear’s bmom just sent me this:

My friend that’s doing adoption just sent me this(;

“your baby always looks so happy. It honestly helps me and makes me feel better”

Can you imagine anything more heartfelt and sweet?! It’s true, Bear is a super happy baby.  But to put a birthmom’s mind at ease that their child truly will be loved just as if the adoptive mom shared their dna, that means so much to me.  My kids are my world, I can’t imagine my life without them.  And I know I’m not the only parent who feels like that.  I don’t know, I just feel so honored. I knew bmom and bdad loved us, but what an honor to put someone, a stranger, with the ultimate decision at ease.

Hopeless

One of my great friends is going through some pain.  Her and her husband were planning on an international adoption.  If you aren’t familiar, there have been a lot of problems going on with international adoptions.  Africa has seen enormous roadblocks.   They feel hopeless, or defeated.  It breaks my heart because I remember how I felt after we had Pumpkin.  We started the path for Ethiopia and when we realized it wasn’t going to happen.  I felt such a passion and when I realized nobody else did (or rather not as much as me) I was crushed.  I didn’t want to give up on that dream.  I held on to it tightly for 9 months.  Then when I lost all hope we turned to our plan F. We became foster parents.  We didn’t become foster parents to help the kids. We didn’t do it to reunite families.  We did it for the worst reason possible.  We wanted to add to our family.  We only took placements/ children with VERY high likelihood of adoption (legal risk).  Some counties won’t tell you if the placement is legal risk.  But you can find out if you ask,

A. Have the birthparents had any previous children PC’ed?

B. Will there be visits?

C. What is the goal (reunification vs adoption).

D. Have all family members been contacted?

When we were called on Honey before we were even officially licensed (knowing she would be available for adoption almost immediately) we were elated Then we got Sweet Potato, we were told there was 100% chance of us adopting him. I was telling everyone they should become foster parents.  They are just throwing babies at you. Of course if you’ve been following my story, you know that our hearts were destroyed.

We didn’t turn towards domestic adoption sooner, because 1. I didn’t ever think we would get chosen. We had a biological child and we were fat. 2. I didn’t think we could afford it.

When we were hopeless again, we turned towards private domestic adoption.  I figured we would be waiting years.  Again, this time, I didn’t think we would get matched but now I was more involved with the adoption community and learned there was a chance. For some totally insane reason, AA kids, especially boys were “harder to match”.  That’s what I was told anyway.  But I now know, at least in our region, that is not the truth. There may be less people willing to adopt AA children but there are equally as many willing.  I hate even writing that.  It drives me crazy that is even an issue for people.

Well, not only were we matched three times SUPER fast, we got our forever son and the birthparents we were so clearly meant to spend our lives with.  God has a plan, and it’s so hard to find the route where you will meet your child.  How do you know you are on the right path?  How do you know which path to choose?

Have you ever felt desperate to add to your family and felt like it would never happen, or at least not how you imagined?  Do you have any words of encouragement for our friends?  They are so clearly meant to be parents. And they will be AMAZING.  After we officially get our baby in our arms, all of my efforts will be spent trying to get a baby in my friend’s.